I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
