Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize