Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i came on her dog
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
