Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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