did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
