Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
