sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
