remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
