I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
