watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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