We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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