First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
