you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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