I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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