just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
