Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
wanna go halves on a baby?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
