hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
