Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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