I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
