why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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