Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
