I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
