I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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