i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
