i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i would punch a child for taco bell
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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