those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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