Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Randomize
