his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
