I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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