I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
