How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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