dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
