a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
