I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
