dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
