yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
