My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
