I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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