This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
