Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize