Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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