Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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