I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
