There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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