I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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