I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
