ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
