Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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