i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
