just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
