You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
She is in my trunk
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Randomize
