oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize