I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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