I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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