My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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