the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Come share oat with me in your robe
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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