We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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