I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
