Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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