i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Green mimosas i think yes
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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